I am willing to lean into my edge

"My intention for the week is to lean into my edge." I shared this with my men's group. The intention is to notice where I feel most alive, especially if there is fear, and go that way. I've noticed most of my growth and insights happen when i'm willing to lean into my edge. 

So the next day, when my mentor asked me to sub four of her classes, I knew my answer would be “yes.” Even though i felt a contraction in my chest and a sinking in my gut. This was exactly what i’d invited in. Foggy, half baked fears and doubts started to cloud my mind. It seemed my nervous system would do anything to avoid the uncertain or unfamiliar. To avoid the potential of new pain, I was recreating old ones. Not fighting. Not flighting. But freezing. 

All this happened in about a minute, and I said “yes” anyway. Immediately, my body began to feel different. The contraction released and my chest felt light and spacious. My stomach felt warmer, like a fire had been lit, thawing out my frozen “yes” to life. I felt like I was waking up. 

The fears and doubts were still there, and still valid. There are challenges involved, and I would like to serve others to the best of my ability. I listened to the voice with compassion and care. Can I replace my mentor and do exactly what she would do? Of course not. Can i please everyone? Of course not. Can i know what the outcome of all this will be? No. 

What I can know is this: i am not body and i am not my mind. I am the awareness that sees all this happening. My body and mind exist to express that energy.  My True Self. Beneath the masks. Beyond fear. Beyond contraction. From that awareness, I know that I don't need validation. I don't need anything I don't already have. When asked to serve, everything I need will be there, at the right time, in the right place. I might fall on my face. It might not work. Though I trust it will be exactly what it needs to be. Because it is much more painful to repress myself than it is to express myself. And all i need to do is be willing to show up. Willing to lean into my edge. Willing to say “yes.”